DAVID RIVAS– I got let out of my final class of the day around 4:20 p.m. last Wednesday, and like most students who forget to schedule lunch into their school days, I was hungry for a meal. So, in order to fill the void in my stomach, I decided to grab a bite to eat at Slayter.

Per usual, I got in the burger line and ordered a double-cheeseburger with a side of crispy fries. Moments later, my white box was handed to me, and I continued to the condiment station in the middle of Slayter.

I had just finished squirting some ketchup into my plate when I noticed the mustard box. For some reason that day, I was feeling extra courageous… enough so that I decided to actually get mustard, a condiment I had not yet consumed at Slayter.

This is when I noticed the issue at hand. Upon pressing down onto the mustard box with my hand, nothing came out.

That’s weird, I thought. Maybe they’re out of mustard? I tried again, this time, attacking the box from a vertical angle, pushing it down with the entire force of my forearm…only a tiny bit of mustard came out. After repeating this several times, I was finally able to get enough mustard out to actually be able to eat it.

Now, granted, I know I am not the most athletic guy out there eating at Slayter, but I know for a fact that my mustard-dispensing techniques were not the problem at hand. I am truly convinced that no mere mortal can dispense that mustard with ease. I don’t even know if the mighty Hercules himself could squeeze an appropriate amount of mustard out of that metal box without breaking a sweat.

And, the worst part about it is the more I go back to Slayter, the more I quarrel with this dispenser. This time, I think, it will be different…it never is. Because of this, that mustard machine has now become my sworn enemy—the Joker to my Batman, the Tom to my Jerry, the bane of my existence.

Now, all I have left to do is dream. Dream for the day that I walk into Slayter one afternoon, walk up and grab my burger, head to the condiment station, face my enemy square in the label and dispense mustard from it effortlessly.

That, my friends, will one day be my magnum opus. Till that day, however, I guess I will just start hitting the gym a bit more…